Jamais vu

My mom broke my phone.

Specifically, my mom washed the jacket that I specifically said I was wearing tonite, which contained my phone in my right pocket.

Seriously, this is ridiculous. If I specifically say something shouldn’t that person take note? Especially if they had just washed the same item two days ago and this had been my first time wearing it since then?

Am I not supposed to be angered by this? My contract expires in another three months. I am definitely not renewing to AT&T. I was all excited to keep my crappy little ‘track’ phone for a few more months and now I have no phone. I’m angered by all of this along with the fact that it’s only two weeks until finals and I have rehearsal tonite until 10, and I have to hear her yelling at me for breaking my own phone. Seriously? I did not break my phone. I told you not to wash my jacket because I was wearing it tonite. I have my reasons for not wanting you to wash it being 1) You just washed it two days ago, 2) today was my first time wearing it since you washed it, 3) I am not changing my jacket for rehearsal, and 4) my phone is in there. 

I just wasted the last 20 minutes screaming at you for blaming me on my broken phone that you evidently caused. Another 10 minutes were wasted venting on here.

All I can say is that I am so ready to be out of this chaotic mess that is my house.

I just got back from ice skating with my family. I love being able to feel fear and excitement all at once. The adrenaline rush is so addictive. The cold is nice when your skating. It’s nice to know and be able to anticipate the fall before it actually happens. You have your guard up  but at a distance, waiting to make sure you can stand on your own.

I realized that I really want a new camera.

It seems silly that before I wanted a new digital camera. Because now I’m seeing the flaws in the picture quality. Yes, they are a great improvement, and yes they are convenient, but I’ve realized I want the bulky and awkardness that comes with old cameras. This christmas a polaroid camera is definitely on the top of my list. And below that would probably be a canon EOS 50D digital. I want to be stressed free, and be able to go out randomly and takes pictures of the world. I want to be able to hold that camera in my hand and have the power to produce something beautiful. But most of all I want to prove to myself that I am capable of producing that kind of beauty. I want to be able remember all the beautiful things in the world, along with the ugly. I want to be able to remember everything, forming new and remembering old memories. 

Half of the year is already gone. And I’m starting to feel reminiscent. 

The other day I ended up in Evergreen for some random reason, and for the first time it didn’t feel like home. I had lost my connection to the one special place where everything in my mind was perfect. And I couldn’t even call it mine anymore.

I’m scared for the end of the year.  I don’t want the seniors to leave the school behind. I don’t want them to leave me behind. I know I’m being selfish but it’s the truth. I don’t want them to move farther away from me. And it hurts to know I have too much work to even say hello.

Relationships are a beautiful thing. I wish I could establish more with people. I feel so enclosed instead of my usually open self. It’s hard to balance your life and the lives of others; friends, family, acquaintances. One of these days I want to step outside, late at night, and stare at the world. Just stare at every aspect of this world in which we live. I’d walk out into the middle of my street, throw my head back, and gaze at the sky, contemplating everything that has happened in the last six months. I still miss you, I still ache for you, I still yearn to hear your voice. But I don’t care about you anymore. I don’t need you anymore, yet still I happen to wonder. When I look at the sky, are you looking up at it to? Filled with the same baffling questions we would converse about in the dead of night, hiding under our covers while talking to each other on the phone. I miss how I was back then; wilder, more confident. And I miss how you were back then, kind and caring. But that was then, and this is now. So cliche, but so true. Your there, I’m here, and really there’s nothing I can or want to do.

Foilage: My mother has been using this word a lot lately. The leaves have finally turned red and yellow and I have realized I need to start getting my grades up. I’m really scared as to what I have in each class; I need an A in English, Spanish, Orchestra, and Journalism to keep my grades up. I think I could get my APUSH and AP bio grades to an A, but I’ll have to see. Math is killing me, but I’m really hoping for at least a B by the end of the semester.

For the first time in years I’m seriously scared about my grades. Journalism is finally shaping up, and I’m hoping to turn in a few late assignments. I’m scared to check my grades. I don’t want it to ruin thanksgiving break, but I need to know what I have. I’m definitely checking them next tuesday, give or take.

I used to be so open-minded and spontaneous, but now I’m not. I feel so close yet so far. And I’m scared for what is to come.

Is it healthy to be in love with a guy so much?

So I finally saw it. And it was amazing. I can’t describe why the movie still clings to me, its images filling my head wherever I turn. But I can describe my feeling as I watched it. I felt like I was a little kid again, in Willy Wonka’s candyland of a place, knowing that the joy and excitement would come to an end inevitably, but knowing that the whole journey would be paced out. New Moon was everything that I could have hoped for in the 365 days of waiting, perezhilton, and REMEMBER ME photos. I couldn’t have thought of a better plot format, better action sequences, or better ‘add-ins’ to the storyline. It was just amazing. And I found myself simply enraptured by Robert Pattinson’s performance. He WAS beautiful, he WAS caring, he WAS the perfect boyfriend. He simply became edward with a smoother transition than the last. His very beauty was illuminated off the screen, and as the credits rolled I tried to grasp the images I had just seen of him, hoping that they would last until the DVD came out. Taylor Lautner was cute and awkward, with brooding eyes that could make your whole body turn to jello. He perfected the part of Jacob, becoming the best friend who was considerably more immature than Bella, but still holding her attention. But during the movie I realized something; Robert and Taylor are both exceptionally good looking, but in totally different ways. While Taylor has this cute jock-image enshrouding his whole self, Robert’s is more of a beautiful, graceful, handsome appearance. I was delighted to see a group of mothers in the row in front of ours, with their daughters sitting in a row in front of theirs. When Edward came on, the intake of breaths could be heard, with the occasional comment of “He’s so hot” echoing throughout the theatre. And when Taylor appeared, taking his shirt off for the very first time in the movie (something that was somewhat overdone throughout the whole film, though needed because of his transformation to a werewolf) the whole audience let loose, many screaming “OH MY GOSH LOOK AT THAT BODY”. The main question left to answer would be whether the movie was exceptionally good. And the answer is no. The plotlines would only make perfect sense to the reader or someone who had a very clear interpretation of Twilight’s general plot. While the acting was purposefully made awkward, it came off a little stiff at times. And generally the whole movie seemed to have gone by in a matter of days, which in the book makes sense but onscreen does not. But besides all this, it was a memorable movie. The fans and readers of the books will be pleased, like I was. And that’s all that really matters.

At the moment I am ridiculously worried. I’m feeling more anxious than frightened, but all the same, my stomach is a mix of butterflies reaching for an exit. Everything seems fine on the surface, but inside its all a mess. There’s no hidden beauty in this spiraling breakdown, and I’m headed for one fast.

TWO MORE DAYS!

I also realized that NEW MOON came out tonite. and that I had not blogged about it. AT ALL. Which I find insane, because I have literally been waiting since NOV. 21, 2008 for this movie. it’s also nice to know that eclipse wrapped up their filming yesterday. It would be an understatement to say I’m excited(:

While everyone is going googly-eyed over taylor lautner and his new “bod”, I find myself still enrapture with robert pattinson. My crush on him has not dwindled since 7th grade when he first graced me with his appearance as Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. He can work the clean shave or stubble. and his articulate mind and thoughts are so appealing. I really hope that some day in the future I can be graced with his presence in person. That would truly be a dream come true.

The days turn to weeks. The weeks turn to months. The months turn to years. And before you know it, its all in the past. I can’t turn around, and expect you to be there. You can’t trip and fall and expect me to have a bandaid. There are no happy endings without new beginnings, bad experiences, and the occasional burn out. You can’t get what you want with a snap of your finger. You have to work for it, succeed in it, and ultimately achieve it. Or you’ll get nowhere. And you’ll end up here. Stuck in a rut. Waiting. On no one.